Postpartum Depression - My Story

Over the past four and a half months I have struggled with postpartum depression. I have debated heavily whether or not to share this information in such a public forum, however I feel that this has been a big part of my life and not something to be ashamed of. I would like to explain some of the things PPD has taught me and also answer a few questions you may have about my PPD. So here goes nothing, this is my PPD journey:

The first time I started experiencing noticeable symptoms of PPD was about three weeks after Ryker was born. For me, it looked like moments of uncontrollable crying, lack of energy, higher levels of anxiety, and extreme sadness. By the time my six week postpartum doctor visit rolled around I was on an upswing and feeling better so we chalked it up as just the 'baby blues'. However, not long after I experienced another couple day long bout of depression. Sometimes I would go a week without feeling depressed, other times I would only go a few hours before it set back in. The depression would sometimes only last for a few hours and other times it seemed to go on for days. At this point I am usually doing well. I have small episodes of depression maybe once a week and they are usually fairly mild. I imagine that this will continue to get better with time.

As difficult as this season has been with PPD, I am thankful to have experienced it. Jake has experienced depression for several years now and while I did my best to help him when he was struggling I can now empathize and support him even better. PPD has also forced me to open up to Jake emotionally more than I ever have. Our relationship is so much stronger now than it ever has been! He has been such an amazing support system throughout this journey!

Some questions you may have:

-Are you on medication? I am not. For various reasons we decided to avoid medication if possible. After trying a few different suggestions the thing we have found the most success with has been a B complex vitamin. We are also careful to make time for me to recharge (thanks for babysitting, Raylene!) and to exercise (Thanks Pokemon Go!).

-Did you experience PPD with both pregnancies? No. With Ilyana I had some heightened anxiety for the first couple of weeks, but I would contribute that more to just being a first time parent along with the rise and fall of hormones.

-Are you ok? Yes! Like I said, although this has been hard, it really has been a good thing! The aim of this post is not to make anyone feel that they need to walk on eggshells or to gain pity (in fact, those are some of the biggest reasons I have avoided sharing this!). The aim is to be transparent with this part of my life because it has shaped who I am and I think it is an important season to remember!


Thanks for reading and as always, if you have any questions, feel free to leave them in the comments!

Nicknames and sibling love

I thought it would be fun to share a few of the nicknames that we use for our kiddos and share a little bit about their relationship!

Ryker-

1. Rykes (I think we use this one more than his actual name!)

2. Buddy/Buddies/Bud/Buds (I tend to use this one quite a bit when he's upset. Maybe it's a subtle reminder to myself that he's my buddy!)

3. Sir-Rykes-Alot 

Ilyana-

1. Sweet Girl (I've been calling her this since she was itty bitty!)

2. Honey

3. Ily (Jake and I don't really use this one but a lot of family do. Side note, it's a huge pet peeve when people add an extra 'L' to make it 'Illy')

Ilyana and Ryker have such a sweet relationship with each other! Seeing Ilyana makes Rykers face light up with joy! Ilyana loves to help with diaper changes, giving Ryker toys, putting his pacifier in his mouth, holding his hand, kissing him, and making him wave 'hi'. Sometimes Ilyana gets upset when Ryker touches her, but generally they are great with each other and love each other a lot! I love watching their relationship grow!

4 months - Ryker

Ryker is four months old today! He is no longer a snuggly newborn! Ryker is now rolling over (both directions), trying hard to scoot, and almost always has something to say (or rather, shout). He's at the stage of putting everything in his mouth, including his snuggly blue bunny that he's obsessed with. He loves to play with crinkly books, his exersaucer, and looking in mirrors. Thanks to the four month sleep regression his sleep has been rough lately, usually waking up every 2-3 hours, often wanting to nurse. However we've been working hard on getting him to fall asleep on his own and are hoping that it will help a ton as he gets over this regression. Sometimes it's easy to wish away these sleepless nights, 45 minute naps, and constant need for attention but I really do try to savor every moment with my beautiful, smiley, son.

Ryker loves: standing up, having conversations, his bunny, crinkly books, his family, nursing, and listening to mama sing.

Ryker dislikes: baths, being held like a baby, being ignored.

Weight: 16 lbs. 3 oz.

3 months-Ryker

Our big boy turned 3 months yesterday! Time sure is flying fast. I've been really enjoying seeing Ryker's personality develop more over the last month. He is the type of baby that makes sure you know how he's feeling 100% of the time. If he isn't pleased, he shows how strong his lungs are, but when he's happy he's all smiles, coos, and giggles. Rarely is he anything in between. Ryker has been figuring out how to coo and make other fun noises, and he has quite a bit to say. He's also become more coordinated and started grabbing toys and playing under his activity gym. Earlier this month he learned how to roll over (stomach to back) so tummy time has become a very short activity. Ryker has continued to be a great sleeper, usually going to bed around 7:30 or 8 and sleeping until about 8:30 AM, only waking once or twice to nurse. We've recently started having him nap in his crib after becoming too wiggly for his swing and he has done a great job with the transition. He usually naps for about 45 minutes every 2 hours. I'm so glad we have mister Ryker to complete our family!

Ryker likes: being talked to, his activity gym, bath time, sitting in his chair, standing, nursing.

Ryker dislikes: getting out of the bath, his car seat, being too hot, waiting to eat, being ignored.

Ryker weighs: 15 lbs. 3 oz.

15 Months

Miss Ilyana turned 15 months old this past Saturday! I had only been planning on doing blog posts every 6 months after turning a year old, but I feel like she has learned so much recently that I want to be able to remember. Over the last 3 months Ilyana has become a big sister, started walking, talking, and become more of a toddler. She absolutely loves her little brother. She helps fetch his pacifier when he cries, pats his head, and likes to play games like peek-a-boo with him. Recently she's been grabbing his hand and helping him to wave "hi" to us. Ilyana has also started walking recently. The day she turned 14 months she quadrupled the total amount of steps she had ever taken and has been getting better every day since then. I think once she's able to stand without pulling up on anything (which she did for the first time today!) she will be a full-time walker! As she has learned to walk she has become a lot more independent. She no longer wants to be carried and prefers to walk on her own most of the time. I won't complain! Over the past month or so I had been getting slightly concerned about Ilyana's lack of words. She seemed to be stuck at "dada", "hi", and "Lolly Lolly" (any school house rock fans?). But last week she added "mama" (finally!), "dog", barking like a dog, an attempt at "Ryker", and "Ro-Ro" (Cousin Rosie). She also knows a few sign language signs like: all done, more, eat, and help. I can't wait to hear her add even more words to her vocabulary! Sleeping-wise she is still doing great. At night she generally sleeps from about 7:30 pm-7:00ish am. Her naps have gone back and forth between 1-2 naps but generally they total about 3.5-4 hours during the day. Ilyana still loves to eat however she has definitely become more picky over this last week. She would eat only fruit all the time if that were an option! Fruit, especially berries are her favorite food, with chic-fil-a chicken in a close second. After talking to her pediatrician today we plan to try slowly re-introducing dairy into her diet and  hopefully she will do ok with it. This age has been so much fun. Ilyana is learning so much and copies everything we do. I love seeing her spunky personality continue to grow and I can't wait to watch her continue to get smarter!

Ilyana likes: eating, walking, doing everything by herself, reading books, baby brother, animals, super why.

Ilyana dislikes: mom or dad leaving, being tired, being touched by other people.

Weight: 16 lbs. 15.5 oz.

A day in the life - with 2 under 2

In February I wrote this post about what a typical day looked like before Ryker was born with the intent of writing another 'day in the life post' once Ryker joined our family. I had completely forgotten about my intention until a good friend of mine posted a 'day in the life' post on her blog! So here's what a fairly typical Thursday looks like with 2 kids under the age of 2!

7:15- Jake gets out of the shower and wakes me up (he's running a bit behind this morning after staying up a little later than usual playing video games). I go and shower and get dressed while he gets Ilyana up. They play for a little bit in our room and then he takes her downstairs to get started on some breakfast.

8:00- Jake kisses us goodbye and Ilyana eats some breakfast (toast with honey) while I make myself some oatmeal and load the dishwasher.

8:20- Ilyana finishes eating and goes to play for a little bit while I finish eating. She's been completely obsessed with playing with her baby lately!

8:30- Ilyana is a bit grumpy since she took a while to fall asleep last night so I turn on half an episode of Super Why for her to watch while I finish the last few bites of my breakfast. After I finish eating we snuggle on the couch for a bit while she finishes the episode.

8:45- Ryker wakes up so Ilyana plays on her own while I go and get him up, change him, and feed him. He's such a happy baby when he wakes up!

9:05- I get Ilyana dressed and then the 3 of us read a couple of books.

9:10- We're going to a birthday lunch later today so I let Ilyana color a card for our friend. She loves to color!

9:20- Ryker does some tummy time and Ilyana plays with her alphabet train for a little bit.

9:30- It's time for Ryker to nap so I go and put him in his room. Ilyana asks for a snack when I come back downstairs (she uses sign language) so I grab her a nutrigrain bar and then we sit and read books for a while.

9:45- Ilyana is getting really tired so I put her down for a nap a little early (she usually goes down at 10).

9:50- I run the roomba in the living room where Ilyana crumbled a bunch of her snack and then clean the bathrooms. I've been using this cleaning schedule and I really like it! It's a very manageable amount everyday and I like that weekends are free and that it includes monthly and yearly chores.


















10:30- I sit down to get started on this blog post and rest for a bit before getting Ryker up.

11:00- I wake up Ryker so that he can eat and play in his bouncer for a bit while I pack up the diaper bag. (I try to get everything packed up for outings while at least one kid is sleeping to make leaving a bit easier).

11:45- I go and wake up Ilyana and notice she feels warm so I check her temperature real quick (100.2) and give her some motrin. I'm 90% sure it's just from teething so we still leave for our afternoon activities. 

12:00- We get to Newbo and grab lunch to eat outside with friends. Ilyana doesn't much (I'm assuming she's not feeling the best) but has fun walking around and Ryker is napping in the stroller. 

12:50- We leave to go to our weekly Mommy and Me class at the hospital. I fed Ryker once we got there and Ilyana ate a couple of puffs while there. 

2:15- Ilyana is starting to lose it so we leave Mommy and Me a little early and go home. 

2:30- We get home and Ilyana eats a small snack  (carrot mango applesauce and half a fruit cup) and then I put her down for a nap. 

2:50- both kids are sleeping so I relax for a little bit and start reading my Bible study book for small group. 

3:45- I feed Ryker and then play with him for a little bit. 

4:30- Ryker goes down for a nap and I finish reading my book for small group. 

5:15- I wake up Ilyana and we go snuggle on the couch for a little bit.

5:20- daddy is home! Yay!

5:30- Jake and I workout for a bit (we're doing the bikini body mommy workout challenge, it's hard!) While Ilyana watches a little bit of tv.

6- Ryker wakes up to eat and Jake goes to save his brother who's car died. 

6:30- Jake and his brother get back and throw some chicken and asparagus on the grill for dinner and I fry some potatoes. Ilyana ends up just eating some blueberries for dinner (which usually wouldn't fly but she's very obviously not feeling well). 

6:45- Ryker goes to nap. 

7:15- We give Ilyana some more Motrin and Jake gives her a bath and starts putting her to bed. I go and lay down for a bit since I'm pretty exhausted but Ryker wakes up screaming as I shut my eyes (he's good at that). So I go and get him in pajamas and feed him. He goes right to sleep. 

8:00- After feeding Ryker I go downstairs and my small group is already there so Jake heads upstairs to play video games while we meet. 

9:15- We wrap up small group and say goodbye. I head upstairs and finish this post and now I'll go to sleep! 

That's life with 2! Never a dull moment in this house! 

This weekend I'm planning to roll out a blog post on our big 15 month old! 

2 Months - Ryker

Mr. Ryker is 2 months old today! He is such a sweet boy. This month has been spent figuring out his quirks and preferences. Once we figured out that he needs a quiet room to nap in (which our living room is not!) he has started sleeping so much better, both during the day and at night since he's no longer over-tired. His night time sleep has improved drastically over the past few days. He usually goes to bed sometime between 8-9 o'clock and usually wakes to eat sometime between 5-6 and then goes back to sleep until 8:30. It has been wonderful to be able to sleep at night again! Ryker also had his first social smile this month! Jake had been playing with Ryker and Ilyana and he gave Jake a big smile! I'm so glad Jake was able to experience this 'first'. He's been smiling a lot since then. He loves being talked to and sang to. He's such a happy boy!

Ryker loves: Being talked or sang to (especially bubble guppy songs!), his elephant toy, napping in quiet places, eating.

Ryker dislikes: bath time, waiting to eat, being held for too long, being gassy.

Weight: About 14 lbs.